“Excuse me, please! I have something I want to say. It’s my birthday, and I’m tired of being pinched, noogied, hit, hugged too tight, picked up, tickled, and touched in ways that I don’t like. I am six years old, and I’m the boss of my body!” Ruby’s Studio: The Safety Show
One morning a couple of weeks ago, I was dropping off my 5-year-old, Rachel, at school. I asked her, “Do you want a hug or no hug today?” One of her teachers overheard, and called to me in a playful way, “Ooh, you’re setting yourself up with that one!” While I know that she was joking, I took her comment to mean that, in giving Rachel a choice, I was setting myself up for years of rejection. Of course, an underlying assumption is that I would take her desire to skip the hug as a rejection in the first place.
This element of personal physical boundaries with loving family members is central to teaching our kids about safety. If I don’t teach my children how to say no to me, one of the safest people in their lives, how will they know how to stay safe in other relationships or in future situations?
Last summer, I was at the bay with some friends and their kids. We were swimming, and I saw one of the dads picking up his two young daughters, hanging them over his shoulders, throwing them into the water, and laughing, despite their clear and adamant protests. I watched as they tried repeatedly to tell him to stop, and finally I commented, “They really don’t seem to like what you’re doing. ” He looked at me, amused, and replied, “Never stopped me before.”
An even more common scenario is the one in which kids are pressured into kissing or hugging family members good-night. I’ve seen some parents even become angry and shaming: “Go kiss your grandmother. You’re hurting her feelings.” I wonder if this reaction is out of embarrassment. We all want our kids to be polite and respectful. But when we expect children to put aside their natural feelings and instincts in order to please the adults in their world, are we respecting them? I believe we unintentionally train them to disregard what they feel and need. They don’t learn to identify their own physical boundaries; instead, they learn to read what others want from them and to provide it.
How can we begin to change this dynamic?
First, we can introduce the concept of choice with our kids.
Rachel loves hugs but never wants to be kissed unless the kiss is for a “boo-boo.” In moments when I forget and accidentally kiss her, I acknowledge my mistake to her. Giving Rachel this respect also helps her to understand that her big sister, Clara, has physical boundaries that need to be respected. When Clara is upset by one of Rachel’s hugs that has gone on too long or is very tight, Rachel can feel some empathy in imagining how she would feel if someone were to shower her with kisses.
Second, we can check in with our kids about physical routines.
Children want so badly for us to be happy with them. They may be reluctant to bring up how they really feel about a form of physical contact that has become an expectation. Inviting them to be honest can make a big difference. Every now and then, we can ask, “Is this nighttime cuddle something you still want? Is there anything you want to change?” I have been surprised a few times by my kids’ answers.
Third, we can notice our kids’ body language and ask about it.
Clara likes to cuddle and hug under certain circumstances– first thing in the morning, and at the end of the day to wind things down. When she’s just arrived home from school, she’s hungry and full of stories; if I try to give her a hug, I can feel and see her body tense up. I might say, “You’re not in the mood for a hug right now.” We don’t need to have a big conversation about it. We just move on, and Clara connects in a way that feels good to her; she shares the details of her day.
Finally, we can ask ourselves what we get out of the dynamic with our kids.
Do I feel rejected when my children don’t want to be close to me in a certain way? Do I need them to show affection right now so that I can feel good about myself? If I’m provoking or teasing them when we play, maybe I just haven’t thought of other ways to relate to them. If I’m pushing them to sit on a relative’s lap and they are resisting, is it because I myself have a fear of disappointing people? How did I come to believe that I have the right to require from my kids something they don’t want to give freely? Maybe I experienced this pressure when I was a child. How were my own physical boundaries treated?
Some school mornings, Rachel wants to hold my hand and walk me through the classroom so I can see her latest job posted on the wall (“Water Plants” this week), say hello to the class fish, Daisy, and admire her drawing tacked to the wall; she wants a lingering hug and an “I love you. I’ll see you this afternoon.” Other mornings, she races into the room without looking back, heads straight to her best friend to compare wiggly teeth, and is perfectly content with a wave from me as I turn in the doorway. What matters to me is that she can make the decision herself.
Respecting My Kids Series
This post is part of a series called “Respecting My Kids.” The following are links to other articles in the series:
- Respecting My Kids: Privacy
- Respecting My Kids: The Case Against Spanking Children
- Respecting My Kids: Feelings
Group Therapy Opportunity
If you or someone you know would be interested in joining a weekly therapy group for parents, please contact me. Day, evening, and weekend times are available. Groups are kept small and provide a safe place to share your experiences, as well as to explore new possibilities. I offer a free brief phone consultation to determine whether or not this group would be a good fit for you. You may reach me with questions at lynndaviesknaub@gmail.com or 443-286-3432.
About Lynn Davies
I am a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with a Master of Science in Pastoral Counseling from Loyola University in Maryland. I have been in private practice for over fourteen years and have experience working with adults and adolescents, addressing a variety of issues: anxiety, depression, relationship problems, past or current trauma, eating disorders, self-mutilation, bereavement, parenting concerns, boundaries, and self-care.
- Web |
- More Posts(22)
25 Comments
Leave a Reply
About Lynn
I am a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with a Master of Science in Pastoral Counseling from Loyola University in Maryland. I have been in private practice for over twenty years and have experience working with adults and adolescents, addressing a variety of issues: anxiety, depression, relationship problems, past or current trauma, eating disorders, self-mutilation, bereavement, parenting concerns, boundaries, and self-care.
kv6cZPCyzNY
X434EN8FVwX
Comment *Cập nhật tỷ lệ kèo nhà cái và tylekeo mỗi ngày từ các nhà cái uy tín châu Á. Kèo nhanh, chuẩn, giao diện dễ dùng – hỗ trợ soi kèo hiệu quả và lựa chọn thông minh.
iwin – cổng game bài đỉnh cao 2025, nơi hội tụ game thủ thượng lưu. Tải ngay IWIN CLUB APK/iOS/Android để trải nghiệm game hấp dẫn, giao dịch siêu tốc và nhận ưu đãi lớn!
Zostań do naszej i rozpocznij grę w najbardziej ekscytujące gry hazardowe! Świetny poradnik, dzieki za udzielenie wskazówek.
To zdecydowanie jeden z najbardziej szczegółowych, dobrze zorganizowanych i natychmiast zastosowalnych poradników, na jakie natrafiłem w ostatnim czasie. [url=https://markowetonery.pl/]Most bet[/url] Witaj w krainie internetowych kasyn online i bukmacherów! Dzięki progresowi technologii, możesz teraz używać ulubionymi rozrywkami hazardowymi i obstawiać na wydarzenia sportowe w dowolnym położeniu i chorążym. Nasze kasyno online oferuje szeroki gamę rozrywek, od klasycznych jednorękich bandytów do współczesnych gier planszowych, a nasze zakłady bukmacherskie obejmują wszelkie znane sporty. Załóż konto dzisiaj i zagarnij z atrakcyjnych premii startowych oraz cyklicznych promocji. Nie odkładaj, zostań do naszej i rozpocznij zabawę już natychmiast!
Hi88 – Chơi lớn, thắng lớn! Nơi không dành cho những trái tim ngập ngừng! Sân chơi của những chiến binh dám bùng nổ, dám thách thức vận mệnh. Chơi máu lửa, thắng huy hoàng – Bệ phóng cho những chiến thắng huyền thoại!
Thank you for every other wonderful article.
The place else may just anybody get that kind of information in such a perfect means of writing?
I have a presentation next week, and I am at the look for such info.
Hi there, I enjoy reading through your article. I like to write a little comment to support you.
Very nice post. I definitely love this site.
Continue the good work!
It is the best time to make some plans for the long
run and it’s time to be happy. I’ve read this submit and if I may I wish to counsel
you few fascinating issues or suggestions. Maybe you could write
next articles referring to this article. I want to learn even more things about it!
Hello there, You have done a great job. I will definitely digg it and personally recommend to my friends.
I’m confident they’ll be benefited from this site.
hello!,I really like your writing so much! percentage
we keep in touch more about your post on AOL? I need a specialist on this house to solve my problem.
Maybe that is you! Looking forward to see you.
Fine way of describing, and good post to take data on the topic of my presentation subject, which i am going to deliver in college.
We are a group of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community.
Your site offered us with valuable info to work on.
You’ve done a formidable job and our whole community
will be grateful to you.
I don’t even know how I finished up right here, but I thought this post was
great. I don’t recognize who you’re however definitely you are
going to a well-known blogger in the event you are not already.
Cheers!
You really make it appear so easy along with your presentation however I in finding this matter to be really
one thing that I feel I would by no means understand.
It sort of feels too complicated and extremely huge
for me. I am looking ahead to your subsequent submit, I will try to
get the hang of it!
I every time spent my half an hour to read this
webpage’s articles daily along with a mug of coffee.
With havin so much content do you ever run into any issues of
plagorism or copyright violation? My blog has a lot of unique content I’ve either created myself
or outsourced but it seems a lot of it is popping it up all
over the internet without my authorization. Do you know any techniques to
help prevent content from being ripped off? I’d really appreciate
it.
I’m extremely impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your blog.
Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Either way
keep up the nice quality writing, it’s rare
to see a great blog like this one these days.
Wow, that’s what I was searching for, what a stuff!
present here at this webpage, thanks admin of this
web site.
This excellent website definitely has all of the information and facts I
needed about this subject and didn’t know who to ask.
Hi there, just became aware of your blog through Google, and found that it’s really informative.
I’m going to watch out for brussels. I will be grateful
if you continue this in future. Numerous people will be benefited from your writing.
Cheers!
I am sure this post has touched all the internet viewers, its really really
fastidious piece of writing on building up new web
site.
Hello, Neat post. There is an issue together with your web site in internet explorer, would check this?
IE still is the market chief and a big portion of other people
will omit your great writing because of this problem.
I enjoy what you guys tend to be up too. This type of clever
work and reporting! Keep up the fantastic works guys I’ve added you guys to
blogroll.